Firstly,

my brother is having a very bad cold and I'm too afraid to get near him because I hate colds...seriously.

I'm feeling lethargic at work. My passion for work is diminishing bit by bit. It is really sad when you lose interest and passion in what you do best in life. Well, I'm not saying that I'm ultimately the best but yeah, I'm confident in what I'm doing and of course I give my best in everything.

Lately, things are not looking too well for me at work. I told myself I have to be extra patient especially during Ramadhan. I have always been patient but this time, I'm being tested yet again. I'm frustrated, I'm angry and I'm afraid I'll go berserk soon.

It's just too much for me.

When parents come to me, asking me how am I able to withstand such tedious routines, screaming, crying children, their whinnings, I told them it's part of the job and it's something which I feel I'm good at. Yes,it's crazy but they are afterall children.

It's just that with the situation right now, I'm really frustrated. I'm not able to deliver 'quality' because quantity overrules everything and I hate it.

I would like to be able to do something with my children. Seeing them doing the extraordinary, learning something new or discovering something which is totally beyond anyone's imagination really takes my breath away. It's a lot of hardwork but it pays off.

But now,
I can't seem to to be able to do all that anymore. It's really a domino effect. When children gets restless, we take it in our stride and deliver the best for them. We distract them with something unique and out of this world. But when it gets too much, we get restless too.When that happens, we are not able to deliver. When we are not able to deliver, parents will get a little upset. And that will affect their community circle as well.

It's a chain of thought. It's seriously driving me crazy. It's exactly the same experience I had with my previous centre except that I'm handling a different age group now, the "little twos."
I'm also experiencing back aches.

Some people make it sound so easy. I'm not complaining about my responsibilities as an early educator to young individuals because I love my job but I'm complaining of the fact that I'm not able to deliver and carry my responsibilities well. I do not want to compromise anything especially the children, they're still very young.

I believed, this is the similar problem faced by many pre-school educators in Singapore, in most centres.

People said I'm being too hard on myself....am I? Reality check dude, what is life without challenges? Everything's going to be stagnant. If I'm not challenging myself, everything's going to be stagnant. If you want the best for something, of course you have to work hard and earn it. But if it really gets into your nerves and your goals are not achieved because of certain factors, it's pointless.

I do not wish to drag myself to work, that sucks big time.

My head hurts like crazy at the end of the first session and I totally zonk-out. I have a few back-logs and I have not been updating..why? I'm frustrated!

Labels: work

When one is too giving, is that a good sign? In lieu of Ramadhan, I feel that we're being very gracious.

Personally,

I've been in that position and I believe I still am.

When I give, I give sincerely but why is it that I feel sad after that?It's not a matter of giving too much or too little but why such melancholy feelings.

I tell myself this all the time: Whenever I feel that there is no giving in return, smile and omit all those bad feelings I have. Allah swt knows and credit is given when it is due.

However I also feel that there should be a mutual understanding and initiative should be taken in order to make the other party feel better. One can always say that he/she is committed in something (anything be it at work, sports, examinations and even relationship) but does he/she feels happy about it? Does he/she feel that the commitment given is all worth it?

For me it depends on the individual.

For examinations, it's really up to the individual. We can only do our best in everything and whatever that's being achieved there and then is a living proof of our hardwork,dedication and commitment.

For work, sometimes when we commit and give too much for the benefit of others, there are times when people forget to appreciate and often takes advantage of our kindness. That's sad!

In sports,
hmmm......I've played hockey with a team who is full of energy,confidence and fighting spirit. There are however a couple of black sheeps who feels that they need not do much for the team because others are doing it so why bother. This can be frustrating and I feel it all boils down to team work and not every man for himself.

In relationship,
I fear to give my comments on this. Love should be au natural. I am yes...committed to a relationship which I have been building for more than 18 months and I am finding ways on taking it into the next level, doing everything I can to make both parties happy.

However, I am also guilty of the fact that sometimes I feel that my other half is not doing enough. When this happens, I pray for forgiveness and that God gives me the strength and patience to withstand all odds. Against all odds, I continue to believe and learnt to forgive.

Then again, initiative should not be taught. Feelings are not taught, not bought and same goes for happiness. We can only sort them out and seek for them.

One can only wait and wait...patiently.


When was the last time I did something for myself which makes me really happy?

Labels: feeling2

Alhamdulillah Ramadhan is here. But....

too bad lah, I can't fast on the very first day of Ramadhan due to ...hai...what else lah kan...menses!

But it's ending so I can fast tomorrow...woohoooo!

Now on slightly heavier note,

I have deep, sinking feeling in my heart and this question kept ringing inside my head,

"Am I love for my 'company'- me being there through every ups and downs, my strength and imperfections OR my dollars and cents?"

Why is there a need to shout or be grouchy when all I did was to be polite and be nice...sigh

I seek comfort in Him, only He, Allah swt can hear me out and gives me directions to the right path...insyallah

Labels: Ramadhan

People always say this, "Oh...this grass is greener on the other side!" (hmm..I beg to differ!)

Look at me,

I found my great green pasture. The only problem I have with it now is that, my supposedly great green pasture is not that great and not that green after all. Sigh.....

Back in Literature days, I used to study this text by Thomas Hardy entitled, "Return of the Native." It's a great book but it's just too long that it bores me to death at times.

However, some of the events associated in the book are related to what life is all about now.

This book talks largely about nature and the importance of staying true to ourselves, our roots and respecting nature.

Egdon Heath is a plot which is greatly personified to an extent that readers might actually feel that Egdon Heath is a main character in itself. I like this book but I force myself to read it, so I have a love-hate relationship with the great Thomas Hardy...hehe!

Why am I relating my great green pasture to Egdon Heath?

In the book, Egdon Heath has taken away the lives of those who does not respect nature and does not stay true to their roots and culture. (Now...is this the correct subject matter, I'll be shot dead by Mdm Sharmala if she thinks this is crappy...hahahahaha!)

It is not all bad being in Egdon Heath but just like humans, nature deserves respect too.

Wherever I am right now, I have a certain amount of displeasure which really brings me great distress at times. It's hard to play the good guy all the time and it's not a totally nice thing to play the devil's advocate just to get your message across to others.

So how.....nothing's being done as of yet and it's bugging me.

Will I share the same fate as those who suffered in Egdon Heath or will I be strong to overcome whatever obstacles and challenges that were posed to me by Egdon Heath itself?

"Apa kau merepek setan!"

Labels: Egdon Heath

I was extremely upset that I couldn't celebrate National Day because my family and relatives were too excited over the short road trip to Malaysia. In a nutshell, the road trip kinda suck a little because it started out bad and my aunt was involved in a road accident when we made our way back to Singapore.

The only thing I'm happy about is the fact that I get to eat HALAL Subway in KL, getting to spend more time with my aunts, uncles and little cousins and the fact that all 21 of us got home unhurt. Although my aunt's family was still in shock, they're at home and alhamdulillah everyone's fine....that's all.

I couldn't wait to get back to Singapore. It was the 10th and no matter how tired I was and how tired he was, we decided to spend some time together. Afterall, we have been together for 18 months already...this is by far the longest I have been with someone.. and I hope it stays that way...a long way.


I chose to go for Kenko fish spa @ Marina Square. It was a ticklish, giggly experience for the both of us and I'm just glad that we get to spend some time together even though we had to get back home fast due to work commitment on Tuesday.

All I need from you Muhammad Fazli: trust, honesty, responsibility and commitment. I love you :)

Labels: Kenko fish spa

Occasionally, we have heard of people saying how life is a complete circle when they have achieve their aims and goals in life. Time is also factor.

I'm happy with the way things are now but...I feel it's not complete yet. I'm content...yes...but it's still not enough. Being humans, we are constantly trying to gather as much as we can to be happy.

Let's gather certain facts about life in general:
1) I have a stable job which gives me a stable income. I am happy..yes...but to sustain me for long, I don't think it's enough because cost of living is increasing.

2) I'm not homeless...yes...but in time to come, I will have to move out once I'm married or Ill buy over the house which I do not want to in the first place because I don't need a 5-room flat.

3) I'm with a man now (funny how I put it this way!) OK....fine I'm in a relationship with someone and yes...there were the ups and downs but I'm happy because I have someone whom I'm praying and hoping that he is going to be the one and only...Fazli.

4) I have a great circle of friends (now...this is the only complete circle I've noticed so far...friends!)

5) I do not have a driving license which I hope to get one day so my circle's not complete.

6) I believed that with the money I spent on er...certain things could have been the expenses to bring me to places which I have been wanting to set my foot on for e.g. Australia, London, Dubai, Vietnam, Norway, Germany, Holland, America and etc. I told myself that I would love to backpack but I guess these are just dreams that will take a long time to come true.

7) I have yet to attain a degree...I'm still contemplating.(which I shouldn't be in the first place)

8) I would like my savings account to grow tremendously but each time it grows, I had to ruin it by taking it out for certain purposes. That really sucks!

9) I hope to get married on my 25th birthday which is like what...next year. Whether or not it will come true is a totally different thing altogether.

10) I would like to have my own children by the time I'm 26 which is like in 2 years time but I think this can only be made possible if I'm married in the first place.

I can give you a whole complete list if I want to because as a human being, it is never enough. It's just like women and shopping...it's never enough. It's just like men and their bikes and cars, it is never enough.

I have been teasing Faz about his bike and though we have spend like more than 1k on it, it is never complete. In my perspective, it is complete but I don't know much about bikes so in his terms, it is only the beginning and there's more to come. Sigh........

Savings....we have started with this but it's going on really slow. I did freelancing at times and I thought this can be used as an surplus to be added to our savings account but something always crop up at the last minute and the money which I earned within the week is gone within seconds.

Sometimes when I think about it, I just couldn't accept it. I'm not even married but this is happening to me. I get frustrated at times.

Then again, I told myself that this is part and parcel of life and it is only the beginning. When I looked at my parents, they have come this far to support my brother and I in everything. It's good enough that I have a place to reside, without them, I guess I'll be on the streets.

But right now, I'm supporting myself. My parents have stopped supporting me and this is the life I'm leading right now....a start to everything. I do feel the pinch but I guess everyone's going through it right now.

Then I think about God, He decides everything....afterall he created me. However there's a famous quote, "Carpe Diem" which I believe truly in it about seizing the day. We can't have it our way all the time and life's about seizing the day, one day at a time. It's good to plan ahead but I guess that's a whole different story altogether.

Life is also about waiting for the right moment to act, for me..... I feel it's the right moment but this will only put pressure on the people around me.

The thing I really hope and wish for, something which I have been praying for all this while is:

complete trust, responsibility and commitment.....that's all I need.

Labels: Carpe diem

Yes....finally salary's in so now I can settle all my bills and do the proper savings adjustment and procedures.

I have a kenduri to attend tomorrow at Tampines...aiyoh!

On a lighter note, I finally had a piece of Harry Potter.
Hai....too many uncuts, the book was well-elaborated!

For a start, they did not really show the Prime Minister of Britain talking to the Minister of Magic. I would love to see that!

Then,the meeting with Professor Slughorn was a bit too short.

There was a part that was misleading though. On the way to Hogwarts, when Harry was eavesdropping on Malfoy, he was under Malfoy's curse and I clearly remembered Tonks (the spiky-haired) witch who found him not Luna Lovegood. That's strange!

I also don't remember Tonks and Remus Lupin being married too, I thought they were married after...or maybe I'm wrong!

Faz was sleeping the last 2hours of the movie...goodness,hehehe!

I teared on 2 occasion in this movie,

1) When Hermione saw Ron snogging Lavender, she cried in Harry's arms, I teared. She really loves him bu tshe just din say.

2) When Albus Dumbledore died under the avada kedavra curse, I teared too as everyone took out their wands and lighten up the place, "Lumos!"

The movie did not show the proper burial of Albus Dumbledore,damn.....I would love to see the mermaids saying their goodbyes to him, the half-horse-half-human (what's his name?) and the other gang shooting arrows as they paid tribute to the greatest wizard. Oh well maybe they show it in the last movie..I hope...pls pls....it's so intense. Faz said I'm crazy!

Oh yes, there were frightening scenes too especially when Harry tried to get water from the lake for Dumbledore and a hand caught him,my goodness...my heart skipped a bit. Aiyoh.....

Oh well, there were a lot of talking but I enjoyed it nonetheless, Thanks for the treat love!

Ecod....

Labels: harry potter and the half-blood prince